Tips for separated parents

The kids are gone on their visitation to their father.  With this time comes both relief that I can have some downtime to do what I want to do when I want to do it (you know, like eat cookies for breakfast, wake up later than 7 am and take a nap in the middle of the day) but sadness that I'm missing some of my kids' lives and knowing that I don't know what happens when they are gone but I do know that things are being done in a way other than I would do them. 

So, due to that, I thought I'd give some pointers to parents that are separating or divorced or not living together.  First, take your head out of your ass.  Yes, every divorced parent has their head in their ass about something.  My ex has his head in his ass regarding typical children illnesses.  He expects the kids never to be sick and gets irate when they are sick during his visitations.  I had my head in my ass about wanting to have a say in what the kids were doing.  I tried, unsuccessfully, to parent from a distance. I made comments, wrote emails, and insinuations about things such as what time the kids go to bed and what they eat.  Now, in my mind, I'm still correct  The kids shouldn't go to bed so late and they shouldn't eat garbage.  But, having my head in my ass about it just caused ME frustration.  It didn't affect him nor did it help the kids.  So, I have removed my head (for the most part) and just keep my mouth shut.  Sure, I say stuff to my friends/family about it, but not to my ex anymore.  It has helped me at least, to not be frustrated while the kids are gone. 

Second, try to work together, as much as you can.  My ex and I don't talk and only communicate via email.  I hate it because I think that we could get things resolved easier via phone, but he refuses.  That said, we do try to work together, when possible.  I try to keep him current on all things kid related (illnesses, school events, etc) and ask for his opinion on things.  Of course, this should go without saying, but, when your ex asks for your opinion on something--TAKE YOUR HEAD OF OUR YOUR ASS and try to work together on the issue.  Swallow your pride and your ego and do what you can to solve the problem for the kids sake. 

Third, don't talk about your issues to the kids.  My parents were divorced growing up and they both talked negatively about each other on occasion.  Please don't do that.  It puts kids in a really tough spot because they love each of you and feel the need to defend each of you.  It affects a child's self-esteem and self-worth to hear their parent trashed, especially by the other parent.  So, please, again, refer to the first point and TAKE YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS when it comes to this issue.

Finally, don't fall prey to the appeal to give your kids everything so they like you best.  My kids are very young, yet I already worry about what might happen in the future.  Will they always want to live with me?  If given the opportunity, will they want to live with him instead?  Should I do something different, give them something more so that doesn't happen?  I don't know the answer but I do know that I want my kids to respect me as a person and that can't happen if I undermine my own values simply out of fear of the future.  So, I continue to parent in the way that I think is best and I continue to not give my kids every material thing they could ever want and hope that they realize that I did this for their own souls and for their own future. 

To all of you that are separated or divorced with kids, big hugs from me to you.  I know it is hard, but I also know that our kids will benefit from this experience in some way. I know my kids will learn that they shouldn't stay in a toxic relationship and I know that they are now learning how to be in a positive relationship.  I know that they know that I love them so much that I changed their world because I knew staying with their father wasn't good for them or me.  I also know that we'll talk about it all one day and I'll be honest with them and hope they learn from my mistakes.

G