Kids to the beach

It has been beautiful outside lately so when I got the kids back, I thought we should go to the beach/lake to swim (one of their favorite activities).  Not only that, but we should go with their cousin too (he is 6 weeks older than my oldest).  It sounded like a great idea.  2 adults with 3 kids swimming. 

So, we got ready and went to my sister's house.  Off to get some lunch.  Hmm, having recently seen Food Inc, I'd rather not have fast food, so we went to a local sandwich shop.  Kids were already driving the adults nuts acting like crazed maniacs.  We thought they were hungry though so all would be well.  After we eat, off to Target to get a bathing suit for C.  All is well at Target so off we go to the lake. 

Kids are very excited once we get to the lake as they want to go swimming!  Finally we are all ready and off we go.  Sunscreen is applied and we go into the water.  Well 2 kids and I go into the water.  Apparently C likes to swim only in pool water, not lake water.  So, she played in the sand while my sister sat there bored out of her mind. 

In the water, all was well initially.  Then, we had to clear the water and search for 2 missing children (not ours).  Adults form a line and walk through the water searching for kids at the bottom of the lake (very scary thing to do).  Apparently the parent told the kids to stay at the beach, but they didn't and were in the bathroom or somewhere else.  But, they were found so back in the water we went. 

More swimming.  My nephew, when he does too much physical activity, gets sick.  Yup, sure enough, he got sick in the lake.  Ok, so time for him to take a break.  A and I stay in the water.  We stayed in the water for about 3 hours.  When he has to get out for us to go, he protests LOUDLY!  I tell him we'll go to Friendly's and can have ice cream.  He is not interested.  Swimming is the only time when he'd rather swim than eat.  After a long time of crying, we go change out clothes and play on the playground while everything gets put into the car and ready. 

We now have to leave.  C starts crying because she wants to play more.  She also states she doesn't want to eat, just wants ice cream.  We get in the car.  Instantly, C and nephew (we'll call him M) start annoying each other.  I can't even tell you what either was doing, but I think M was telling C to stop talking to him and she continuously responded "No way."  This infuriated M and he kept yelling at her and C just kept saying "No way." 

Eventually we get to Friendly's (felt like 4 hours, but was likely 10 min).  Go in, sit down, order food.  This is when the mayhem began.  M wanted to sit by me so we moved around seats.  C wanted to sit by my sister.  Okay, so everyone gets situated and we order.  A was wonderful.  M was wonderful.  C was a pain in my rear end.  At one point, she wanted to climb on the table.  My sister kept her from doing so but C wasn't happy.  My sister told her that she couldn't climb on the table or she wouldn't get ice cream.  Caitlin said she'd rather climb on the table than have ice cream.  At another point, my sister asked C to stop touching her.  She asked why.  My sister said "because I said so."  NOT a good enough reason for C.  She moved her spoon from her hand closest to my sister and put it in her other hand.  She then looked at my sister with a look that basically said "Screw you" and poked her.  In the car, my sister told her to focus about something.  C then repeated that (or at least that is my story) but it sounded, well, like something else that starts with an F.  This continued the entire trip home.  M was busting up laughing so we convinced him to ignore her so that way it would stop.  We get home and to top the trip off, C peed in her clothes.  We get back to our house and take baths, play then go to bed, hoping that the next day will be a better day!

Challenging Behaviors

Those of you that know me know that my job is to go around and teach people how to work with little kids with disabilities and/or challenging behaviors.  It is a job that I love.  I love working with kids with behavior issues and helping adults understand behavior.  So, I thought I'd share a bit about behaviors in the hopes that it might help the parents out there. 

First, the most important thing to know about behavior is that ALL behavior is a form of communication.  Everything we do in life has some message behind it.  It might be "I'm eating because I'm hungry." Or, it might be "I'm driving the speed limit because I fear a ticket."  Or, it might be "I'm yelling because I'm frustrated."  The hard part is figuring out what the behavior means.  Far too often I hear people say things like, "he hits for no reason."  I have to remind them that there is a reason, we just need to figure it out.  So, when a child hits, yells, cusses, bites, etc, they are trying to communicate something.

Once you figure out what they are telling you through the behavior, you need to deal with that, not the actual behavior.  If a child hits because they don't know how to engage, and you teach them how to engage, the hitting stops.  If a child bites because they are angry and you teach them how to express anger, the biting stops.  If a child bites because they are learning cause and effect and you provide other ways to learn about that (including other ways to learn orally) they stop biting.  Now, this won't happen overnight.  It will take a long time.  But, the behavior should steadily decrease, if you have the communication correct.  That is the key.  Track how often the behavior occurs and then implement a strategy to address the message of the behavior.  If the behavior decreases, even only 1 time in a 2-week span, you may be onto the right message. 

It takes lots of patience to address behavior this way, but it is much more rewarding for the adult and much more beneficial for the child.  Think about it this way, if you don't know how to talk to someone without yelling, would it be more helpful for you to sit in time out (or worse, get hit) each time you yelled or would it be more helpful for you to be taught how to talk rather than yell each time you yelled?  The same holds true for kids. 

Tips for separated parents

The kids are gone on their visitation to their father.  With this time comes both relief that I can have some downtime to do what I want to do when I want to do it (you know, like eat cookies for breakfast, wake up later than 7 am and take a nap in the middle of the day) but sadness that I'm missing some of my kids' lives and knowing that I don't know what happens when they are gone but I do know that things are being done in a way other than I would do them. 

So, due to that, I thought I'd give some pointers to parents that are separating or divorced or not living together.  First, take your head out of your ass.  Yes, every divorced parent has their head in their ass about something.  My ex has his head in his ass regarding typical children illnesses.  He expects the kids never to be sick and gets irate when they are sick during his visitations.  I had my head in my ass about wanting to have a say in what the kids were doing.  I tried, unsuccessfully, to parent from a distance. I made comments, wrote emails, and insinuations about things such as what time the kids go to bed and what they eat.  Now, in my mind, I'm still correct  The kids shouldn't go to bed so late and they shouldn't eat garbage.  But, having my head in my ass about it just caused ME frustration.  It didn't affect him nor did it help the kids.  So, I have removed my head (for the most part) and just keep my mouth shut.  Sure, I say stuff to my friends/family about it, but not to my ex anymore.  It has helped me at least, to not be frustrated while the kids are gone. 

Second, try to work together, as much as you can.  My ex and I don't talk and only communicate via email.  I hate it because I think that we could get things resolved easier via phone, but he refuses.  That said, we do try to work together, when possible.  I try to keep him current on all things kid related (illnesses, school events, etc) and ask for his opinion on things.  Of course, this should go without saying, but, when your ex asks for your opinion on something--TAKE YOUR HEAD OF OUR YOUR ASS and try to work together on the issue.  Swallow your pride and your ego and do what you can to solve the problem for the kids sake. 

Third, don't talk about your issues to the kids.  My parents were divorced growing up and they both talked negatively about each other on occasion.  Please don't do that.  It puts kids in a really tough spot because they love each of you and feel the need to defend each of you.  It affects a child's self-esteem and self-worth to hear their parent trashed, especially by the other parent.  So, please, again, refer to the first point and TAKE YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS when it comes to this issue.

Finally, don't fall prey to the appeal to give your kids everything so they like you best.  My kids are very young, yet I already worry about what might happen in the future.  Will they always want to live with me?  If given the opportunity, will they want to live with him instead?  Should I do something different, give them something more so that doesn't happen?  I don't know the answer but I do know that I want my kids to respect me as a person and that can't happen if I undermine my own values simply out of fear of the future.  So, I continue to parent in the way that I think is best and I continue to not give my kids every material thing they could ever want and hope that they realize that I did this for their own souls and for their own future. 

To all of you that are separated or divorced with kids, big hugs from me to you.  I know it is hard, but I also know that our kids will benefit from this experience in some way. I know my kids will learn that they shouldn't stay in a toxic relationship and I know that they are now learning how to be in a positive relationship.  I know that they know that I love them so much that I changed their world because I knew staying with their father wasn't good for them or me.  I also know that we'll talk about it all one day and I'll be honest with them and hope they learn from my mistakes.

G

Babies!

C is obsessed with babies.  It is venturing on unhealthy obsession.  She has a ridiculous number of babies.  She has baby Tracy, baby Mia, a few babies with no names, and at school, she has "brown baby".  Brown baby looks identical to Baby Tracy, except she is brown and Tracy is white.  She doesn't want just any baby though, she wants her baby to be a cloth body and a plastic head AND the baby must be naked. 

She plays with babies every chance she gets and always wants more babies.  It is getting to be warm enough here to open our "play room" which is really our three-season porch.  So, yesterday, we opened up the play room and went out there.  it was the first time in awhile when the kids got to see some toys.  One of those toys, as you might have guessed, was a baby!

Now, this wasn't any baby this was MY baby.  The baby I had growing up.  My mom had my baby's "skin" redone because she had deteriorated and gave it back to me this year.  I love this baby.  Her name was Samantha (you know, from Who's the Boss).  C sees her and immediately goes and picks her up.  She was in love (Baby Samantha has a plastic head and arms and a cloth body). 

Ok, so C is playing with my baby, no biggie.  The problem--she renamed her.  She calls her Baby Shannon.  I tried to convince her the baby's name is Samantha, but she simply says that it isn't true and calls her Baby Shannon. 

It seems all kind of wrong to me that she commandeered my baby and renamed her.  I mean, Baby Samantha has been named Samantha for years and years.  I'm not sure how long, but I'm 32, so quite some time. 

I'm hopeful she doesn't get too attached to Samantha/Shannon because I'd like her not to be ruined.  Of course, thinking about it seems silly.  I mean, the only reason to keep the doll is for my kids to use.  It could be cool if my kid's kids use the same doll (I wonder what they'll  name her though).  But, selfishly, I think, that she is mine and I want her back.  But, then I think that would eventually make me the old creepy lady that pretends they have a baby with a baby doll.  And, that is creepy.  So, somehow I'll have to come up with a way to deal with C taking over my baby.  I'm sure that one day I'll even think it is really sweet that C has taken over my baby.  But until then, I really want to hide her so C can't find her

Its all in the name

How important is a name?  A has been very into names lately.  He asks everyone he sees "What is your name?"  He isn't satisfied with the first name though.  He continues on his questioning "What is your middle name?"  "What is your last name?"  "What is your second name?"  Now, I've yet to figure out my 2nd name, but he doesn't seem to mind that I don't have an answer for that.  He asks each person, at least once, every time he sees them.  Hell, he asks me about 400 times a day and he knows my name! 

Ok, so he knows my full name, no biggie.  Now, he used to call me momma.  Then it switched to mommy.  Now, we are on a first name basis, as if we are peers.  He simply calls me Glenda.  Regardless of where we go or what he needs, he calls me Glenda.  Now, I remember calling my mom by her name when I was a teenager simply because saying Mom in a store results in lots of people looking your way, but very rarely, for some reason, did my mom actually look.  Ok, so he doesn't call me mom, no biggie right?  Nope, no biggie for me, but he does call my sister mom.  She has a son and her son calls her mom so my son copies that and calls my sister mom.  So, when we are out somewhere, if you hear him say mom, he means my sister and if you hear him say Glenda, he means his mom!

Other names you might hear him call people.  Poopyhead (though this has 99.9% stopped, due to planned ignoring.).  You might hear him scream and point and people he walks by saying "WITCH!"  I tried on a costume last year one time and ever since then, everyone is a witch.  If he just called people a witch, I'd ignore it, but he screams it, points in their face (if they are his height) or at their body (if they are taller) and shouts WITCH.  Of course, C, thinking that it is funny now does the same thing.  So, if you are out and you hear 2 kids screaming at you WITCH and see 1 Glenda ignoring them (I'm giving planned ignoring another shot), I apologize, especially when it freaks out your kid and they start crying.  In those instances, please know that I'm talking to the kids in the car about how they scared the kid by yelling at them.  For the record, it is making some impact.  Today, A just loudly said WITCH without pointing at kids. 

Kindergarten Orientation

Today was kindergarten orientation.  My son attends a school that is different than his base school, so I've spent a LOT of time in this school observing prior to his placement meeting.  I walk in, all the staff know who I am.  Several of them came up to me and told me I looked familiar.  I told them that I was there for a visitation.  They all remembered me from this (so much so that they even remember A's name).  Now, I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but we'll see.

So, at this point, I'll be honest.  I only attended orientation because I want the teachers to see that I am involved.  I want them to know that they can talk to me about A and that they shouldn't try to screw him over because I'll know.  So, for those of you that have never attended orientation, I'll sum it up for you.  For 1 hour, I sat in a chair clearly too small for me.  I listened to the teachers tell me about their curriculum and suggestions for how to work with your kid to teach them things they should know prior to kindergarten.  I listened to their social worker and psychologist describe several of their programs they do for kids needing help with socialization (their programs are impressive actually) and I listened to the principal tell us her background (brag about her accomplishments really) and tell us how great the school is.  I can say that due to my observations, I know that they do what they say they do, so that is great.  Orientation was dismissed and off I went to my car.  CRAP!  You know what information I wasn't given--WHAT TIME DOES SCHOOL START AND END!  How do you offer orientation and not give that valuable information? 

So, now that I'm oriented to the curriculum, I just need to get oriented to what time school starts.  Then, kindergarten, here we come! 

What that F*&k is going on?

In general, I don't censor myself in front of my children because I think if we censor ourselves, our kids become much more into saying curse words simply because they are taboo.  So, I don't call my kids curse words or anything (or anyone else), I do let the occasional "son of a bitch" or the equivalent.  Anyhow, today, while playing Wii, my son, A, said, what sounds like "what the f*ck is going on?"  I asked him repeatedly what he was saying as I couldn't quite place what he was saying.  I asked him who says that and he said, "sometimes you do."  So, I thought he must not be saying what I thought I'd heard because I don't say that phrase (sure, I use all the words in that phrase, but not that actual phrase).  Anyhow, I talked to him about how he shouldn't say those words because it upsets other people.  He was fine with that and settled for the "Holy Guacamole!" instead. 

About 10 minutes later, C is saying "I ____ you."  Now I can't figure out if it was "I five you" or "I f*ck you."  Oy vey!  I'm going to go with "I five you" because she followed it up with "I six you." 

So, if you see my kids and hear them saying some select words, I apologize in advance. 

Hair Woes

For those of you without a girly girl, you may not understand the drama that hair creates.  This is what I hear far too often in any given morning: "I want my hair in hair bows, 2 hair bows."  So, I put her hair into pigtails.  Now, C has fine hair so trying to brush it into a ponytail is like trying to chew food with a numb mouth--NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE AND FULL OF FRUSTRATION!  I spray her hair with detangler because it wets it and helps get out the knots but even that only buys me about 1 minute of time.  If she moves, the brush falls, the hair band isn't ready within that minute, I have to start over.  Now, again, for those of you that don't have more than 1 kid or have kids that are older or even just cooperative kids, you think, what's the big deal?  Just start over.  Unfortunately, I have exactly 45 minutes to get 2 children up, clothed, pottied, teeth brushed, fed and get myself showered and clothed.  So, I really don't have the few minutes it takes to get her hair up in the first place, but (thanks to daycare, she wants her hair up to be "beautiful") I do so because I know she loves it. 

Well, I've had it now with the hair bows because you know what happens?  Within an hour or less, she takes them out because they hurt her head.  This leaves her hair looking disastrous and I'm generally annoyed that I spent all the time getting it up only for her to take it down.  So, what is a person to do?  I thought about it and remember head bands, but then I thought, gosh, I can't give her a headband and have her poke out her eye, my eye, or her brother's eye (and she would try, believe me).  So, off to Target we went.  I found cloth head bands (you know, like a sweat band, only not striped like the 80's style).  She loves them and now, mornings consist of me just plopping it on.  Best part--when she takes it out, she can put it right back in--BY. HERSELF! 

So, if you have a girly girl and you find the hair bow thing as annoying as I did, get thee to Target and buy cloth head bands.  They are about $3 for a 6 pack that come in an assortment of colors. 

Welcome

Hello and welcome to Parenting through exhaustion!  If you are a parent, you know exactly what I mean.  Being a parent means that sleep is sparse, you are in a constant battle of wills (and often losing) and you often do what you need to do to get by. 

A bit of background, I'm a parent of 2 children, 1 with special education needs and one that is typically developing (and actually advance linguistically).  I divorced their father when they were both very young and don't regret it at all.  Our family (all of us, including my ex husband) and much, much happier than we ever were together so while it was a hard decision and is a constant source of anger and frustration (my ex and I no longer get along) I wouldn't change it for all the world. 

I think that is about all you need to know at this point.  Welcome and enjoy the stories :)

G