Funny things the kids have said lately

I was talking to my sister and telling her about a picture from our farm.  C said she wanted to see it and I told her I didn't have it, that it was on Facebook.  She wanted to know what Facebook was and I explained it is a computer program.  So, now, she sits at home and writes stuff in a notebook or does art or whatever else and puts it in a metal tin shaped like a book and says, "Mom, I'm just gonna put this in Facebook."

At dinner tonight, C said, "Mom, when I am a mom, only call me on Fridays."  I asked her why only on Fridays.  She said, "Cuz then you won't call me too much."  A, hearing this, says, "Yeah, mom, you can call me only on Mondays."  So, apparently, when my kids are older, I have reserved times I can call them and that is it!

Have a good fall weekend!

~G

Update on Nurtured Heart Approach Implementation

I figure I should update how the implementation is going because, as with all new approaches and practices, it takes time, trial and error, ups and downs, and lots of determination.  First, I should say that from now on, I will abbreviate the Nurtured Heart Approach as NHA. 

So, I had previously posted about our successes within the 1st week and now I will share that we are still having successes, but we are having some setbacks too--you know, 2 steps forward, 1 step back type of thing.  Because of that, and a wise NHA trainer (C, from the UK), I decided to implement a credit system, which is basically a way to help me really energize positives and refuse to energize negatives (again, the hardest thing for me, though I am getting better).  With the credit system, the kids earn points for following the rules.  They can also earn extra points for doing chores and for doing something exceptional (like tonight, A asked C if she wanted an apple and brought her one so he got 10 points for being polite to his sister).  These points are tallied up each night and then each kid gets to spend their points on whatever rewards they want.  The rewards are activities we do together.  They are only to be relationship, not things.  So, you'll see that they can earn a trip to get ice cream but not that they can get a toy.  Anyhow, so far so good!  I'm hoping to meet with A's teachers and get this implemented at school too.

Some areas in which I struggle tremendously is situations when I can't simply ignore what is going on and I am powerless to do anything, such as the car.  Oh, how I loathe the car at times.  When A annoys C in the car, she screeches, I want to rip my hair out and of course, A eats up the attention he gets.  I have had about 50% success rate with giving him a time out, in the car.  He hates when I ignore him, though in reality, we don't always carry on a conversation in the car so it isn't any different than normal, except I tell him he is in time out, and he knows that means everyone ignores him

I also struggle when I reset a kid and they don't reset.  It is a bit tricky because I need to keep the kids apart from one another while the other is resetting, which is a challenge to do and not energize the negative behavior.  I am certainly getting better at it, but I find it incredibly frustrating and feel like I've been issued a time out when this happens because it generally means I have to stop what I am doing to tend to the child who isn't accepting the reset.  As a result, I've found that I am relying on warnings too much, which is energizing negativity, exactly the opposite of what I want to do.  It is very hard to change the parenting I've used for so long and to change some of the ingrained behaviors I have from my own upbringing.

I also am struggling with my own frustrations as I realize that I really can't control the kids.  If I tell them to reset, and they choose not to, there isn't anything I can really do.  This was no different prior to the NHA, except then I yelled and got out some of my frustration, all the while probably scaring my kids too, not something I want to do.  BUT, it is hard to come to that realization.  On the one hand, it is freeing because I know that I am helping the kids to come into their own and make their own choices and make those choices good choices.  On the other hand, it is hard because I am having to take a look in the mirror and realizing how much I have wanted to just be able to control what the kids do, the exact opposite of what I teach when I teach about challenging behaviors in kids! 

If I have learned nothing else throughout this process, I have learned that my kids will humble me, they will teach me, and they will make me more grateful and thankful that they are forgiving and compassionate kids. 

Have a great day everyone and, as I tell my kids each day, stay in your greatness today.  Show the world what an amazing, gifted, talented, kind, compassionate person you are.

~G

Be sure to worry about me

We get nearly all of our food from a local farm and this means that once a week, the kids and I travel to the farm to get our food.  The farm is really great and so kid friendly.  M, our farmer, always has something to do with the kids, such as hopscotch or chalk.  Today, he had a football and A was so excited!  C was busy eating a carrot (she eats her way through the farm!).  A was playing with M so I told him I'd go put the food in the car and then come back to get him.  He told M, "Be sure you worry about me while my mom goes to the car.  I need to be safe, you know?!"

When I got back, A negotiated with me to have 3 more throws (I suggested 1 but he countered with 5 and we agreed to 3--he's an excellent negotiator--maybe he'll be on Priceline commercials at somepoint?).  We got to the car and C had brought a tomato to eat on the way home.  So, off we went with our food and headed home.  I love that my kids love the farm so much and really are getting an understanding of where food comes from. 

~G

I want to stay at school and not come home!

Ok, so you may recall that last week, A really struggled at school and did not want to go back ever again.  Well, this week is a new week and a week that included Curriculum Night (the fancy name they now call Open House).  And, Curriculum Night is a night when kids come with their parents!  This is very different than when I was in school when it was just for parents.  Anyhow, A wanted to come to Curriculum Night and fortunately, he asked in front of Ms. M. because she is the one who told me that kids can come. 

Well, I saw the schedule and I thought it might be a struggle for him because it was nearly 2 hours of lots of sitting and listening and well, sitting is NOT his forte!  I tried offering him the opportunity to stay home and play Wii with J--he said no, he wanted to come with me.  I tried offering him the opportunity to stay home and play hide N seek with J--he said no, we wanted to come with me.  I tried offering him playing outside with J and riding bikes--again, he said no, he wanted to come with me.  So, I thought I'd figured it out.  I told him he had to eat everything on his plate for dinner to come with me.  Dinner that night was BBQ Ribs, fruit, and Swiss Chard with tomatoes, black beans and goat cheese.  I thought there was no way he'd eat it.  Well, you guessed it, he ate every last bite, without argument!  So, he was coming with me and I'd just have to deal with it!

We get there and find out seats in the Cafetorium (another strange thing here in the 'Cuse--it is the cafeteria that they combine with a stage  --AKA auditorium, but I digress).  He is so excited to see his current teachers and last years teachers that he can hardly stand it.  At one point, he goes up on stage to hug every single teacher (there are at least 50 here!).  So, we again get seated and he is attentive and quiet and I am pleased thinking tonight might be a success after all.

After that presentation, we go to his classroom.  He is excited to show me his work and excited to see his teacher after school hours.  He does fairly well though this presentation though was getting antsy toward the end.  Now, you would think that I would take this as my cue to wrap things up, but alas, I did not.  I thought I'd try to enjoy the greatness of the night a bit more and decided to go to the book fair in the library.

Now, the very second I set foot in there, I knew this was a BAD idea.  Tons of kids, A was in need of movement, and it was hot in there.  Again, I did not take the cue and pressed on.  He ran around like a bull in a china factory, touching books, trying to tip some over.  He sat down for a second and I tried to reset him.  It did not work, so the consequence was for us to leave.  On the way out, he is so upset that he smacked a girl.  And, who was there to hold the door open for us and witness the entire thing--why the parent that I got into a discussion with about A being a bully!  So yes, there I was, holding the hand of a screaming and crying kid while every parent looked at me as if they have never had this happen. 

And, let me just say 2 things.  1.  I know you have had this happen so wipe the smug look off your face because you know full darn well that this will be you in a matter of days or weeks and 2.  Thank goodness I don't worry about what people will think when I am taking care of my kids because if I did, I would never have wanted to go back to that school.  Which reminds me, parents, if you see someone out with a crying kid, please take your head out of your ass and be kind to that person without making looks and faces at her like she is somehow the cause of all world evil!

Anyhow, back to my story.  So, while we are walking down the hall, he is screaming that he wants to stay at school and never leave.  We get to the car, and he refuses to get in.  I channel my most calm self and for once, really take the stand from the Nurtured Heart Approach, that I will not energize negativity.  I gave A the direction to get in the car and then I just stood there, holding the door, looking disinterested in his behavior, not engaging with him and waited.  After at least 5 more minutes of him screaming that he wants to stay at school and not come home, he finally says, "Fine!  Whatever!  I'll reset and get in."  I thank him for resetting and we drive home.  On the way, he asks when we can go back to school and can we spend the night there one day! 

I love how flexible this kid is and how forgiving he is of circumstances.  Many, many children would have started to hate school after his 1st week, but not A.  he forgives and gives another chance. 

I don't want to talk to anyone about my day!

So, A is now in 1st grade and for those of you that are unaware, the leap from K to 1st I think is really hard.  First, there are more academics and expectations put on the kid and I think that teachers don't prepare the kids as much (sorry kindergarten teachers) and there is a longer gap between whatever preparation happened and school happening.  In other words, in pre-k, kids get prepared to leave and then leave and big school starts pretty quickly whereas if the K teachers prepare kids for 1st, there is 10-12 weeks before they start in 1st grade.  This makes it hard on kids and parents alike.

So, A's 1st week, which is only 3 days was hard for him, but he did ok.  His 2nd week was very, very hard.  He had a hard day of keeping his feet to himself and his teacher made him come tell me at pickup.  He was devastated and crying so hard he couldn't even tell me anything.  His face was red and blotchy from crying.  It was so bad, I had to carry him to the car!  As we are walking and he is crying, he says, "I don't want to talk to anyone about my day.  I want people to stop telling me about my day!"  and "Get me outta here!  I never want to come to school again!"  When we finally got to the car and got in, he said "I wanna go back to Jowonio because they are nicer and friendlier to me."  OUCH, talk about a knife in the heart.  I hated to hear that he was so upset. 

The next morning, I got to school to talk to his teacher and she asks, with obvious concern on her face if A always gets this upset if he has to tell me about his behavior.  She probably thought I beat him (which couldn't be farther from the truth!).  I explained to her that he is very sensitive and emotional and that he doesn't like to disappoint me.  I tried to give her strategies and offered to meet with her and the team to come up with a plan to help him behaviorally.

That afternoon at pickup, there was another parent waiting with his kid so he could "see these bullies."  He wanted to see what the bullies looked like in his son's class.  Now, if you have a kid who struggles behaviorally, this is something you dread to hear, especially when you know that kid is in the class with your son.  Sure, enough, it is my son that the kid is talking about.  I tried to explain to the father that we are working on solutions but I really wanted to scream at him for being such an insensitive ass!  If one of my kids came home saying someone is a bully (which C does say), I talk about what could be going on and how C can respond.  I don't wait outside the school to take a look at the kid.  I hope that this father felt badly and will rethink his actions, but I won't hold my breath. 

Here's hoping that next week is a better week!

~G

What is the Nurtured Heart Approach

Since I have posted about my success with the Nurtured Heart Approach, I have been asked what it is and to give an explanation about it.  Now, I think this is a hard question because, in my opinion, the Nurtured Heart Approach is more than an approach, it is a way to transform your thinking about people and children in your life.  In the training I took, one participant described it as this, "The Nurtured Heart Approach is an approach to 'dusting off' the child to find their true inner wealth by using a positive, strength-based model that helps the discover the greatness they possess."  I described it as an approach of helping others to transform into their most authentic and best self.  In the Nurtured Heart Approach, you take 3 stands on the way you live life (really, it is in how you respond to kids, but I think it applies to life just the same).

The first stand is to energize positivity.  So, when your child is behaving the way you want them to behave, you recognize and appreciate it.  This does not mean you say "Good Job." or even a simple "Thanks for playing quietly."  This means that, for example when A and C are playing together, without anyone yelling or touching or annoying each other, I might interrupt their play for a minute to say, "A and C--I accuse you of greatness right now.  A, you are keeping your hands to yourself and playing respectfully with C.  You are showing her that you are a kind and caring person when you play without annoying her or touching her.  AND, C, you are using your words to tell A what you need rather than yelling at him.  You are also not calling him names when you dislike what he does.  You are showing him you are a cooperative person and are showing him your wisdom.  Thank you both for staying in your greatness!!!"  In other words, I am teaching them how I want them to behave when they are doing what I want.  I am lecturing them, for lack of a better word, for the great attributes that they have, the same attributes that I want to encourage in them and that I would normally have lectured them about when they weren't doing what I wanted.

The second stand, which I find incredibly difficult, is to refuse to energize negativity.  This means when A and C aren't playing nicely together, I would ask them to reset (I explained what I mean by this after the first few days--sometimes it takes me a bit to figure things out.)  When they are asked to reset, they are to stop what they are doing, close their eyes and take a deep breath.  When they do it, I go back to stand 1 and energize them for choosing to reset because really, they could have said, "FU!" and not reset at all but they didn't.  AND, again, I want them to be successful.  I want them to want to be in the game of life.  When I ask them to reset, it is done unceremoniously and without emotion (ideally).

The third stand is to have clear and consistent rules (again, a difficulty with me for my own kids.  With other people's kids, I have no problem with clear and consistency, but well, I don't like when my kids are unhappy.)  Basically, this means if the rule is no hitting and A swats at C's hair, he is asked to reset.  He is not given a warning nor is it ignored because it isn't bad enough.  Again, easier said than done!

Now, you might be thinking this is crazy hippie mumbo jumbo, but it has been used all over the world with huge successes, at home, in clinical practices and in schools.  If you want to learn more about it, you can check out the website for the Nurtured Heart Approach: http://difficultchild.com/ .

Now, for an update.  Wouldn't you know, as soon as I posted all about my success, life, as it tends to do, smacked me in the face and the kids really had a rough next few days.  But again, each day, hell, each moment of each day is a new experience that I can create success for my kids so I can energize them and they can really see their greatness shine.

Nurtured Heart Approach

It has been a really long time since I posted.  Mostly because I got super busy but also because well, I forgot (sorry).  But, I'm back.  So, a lot has transpired over the summer.  First, I attended a week-long advanced certification course on The Nurtured Heart Approach by Howard Glasser.  I had previously read the book, attended a full day training and had attempted to implement the approach.  I say attempted because I didn't really have a thorough understanding of the approach so I really was way off on my implementation. 

So, in order for you to see the transformations happening at our house, let me give you a day in the life snapshot.  The day would start out with C screaming at A because, well, I guess because he was alive.  You see, C is NOT a morning person and A is.  A starts his day excited and full of zeal and zest.  He wants to talk to you, love on you, hug you, touch you, etc the very second he awakens (which is also generally early!).  C, on the other hand, needs time to awaken.  She wants "nobody look at me!"  She wants to hug me, and only me until she is fully awake.  This could take 1 min or 20 min.  Ok, so we have the screaming followed by potty, tooth brushing and then everyone off to their rooms to put on clothes.

If you thought the screaming was over, you were wrong.  The screaming continues once in their rooms, because A, wants to come into C's room so, of course, he can talk to her and love on her, while he gets dressed and, you guessed it, C doesn't like that.  So, the result is C slamming her door and screaming, A running around getting more and more excited and me screaming for everyone to go to their rooms, stop slamming doors and get dressed (not the best way to start the day). 

Ok, so everyone is now dressed and downstairs to eat.  Again, argument over who is watching what TV show, whose turn it is to pick the show, etc.  Eventually, we are out the door and off to school. 

Upon arrival back home, one of the kids would annoy the other, enter more screaming and hitting from the kids, more screaming from me and total frustration within 15 min of getting home because during all of this, I am attempting to whip up something for dinner. 

Ah dinner, this consisted of begging, pleading, forcing A to eat what I made or making him something else that he'd eat.  Generally included more arguing/bickering, though generally not yelling.  After dinner was me washing dishes, kids playing (about 50/50 on how well they'd play together), homework, bath, books and bed. 

Bedtime was a struggle consisting of 100 "hey mom's" from C and 1000 A coming out of his room (which resulted in more frustration, etc).  On any given night, it would finally get quiet by around 9 pm, when I would fall onto the couch is exhaustion and wait for J to get home where I would want to unload my frustrations.

Fast forward to 1 week after the advanced training of The Nurtured Heart Approach and implementing it at home, and our house is completely different.  Now, this isn't to say that I don't yell (working on this still, but it is heavily engrained in me) or that the kids don't hit or yell ever, but WOW, it is so much better.

Mornings still sometimes start with C yelling, but then she quickly resets herself and decides "mom, I am going to stand in my greatness and ignore A."  A now gets himself ready as much as he can and then calls for me as does C.  We have a schedule for who picks the show so that ends that argument (except today, when C told me "I NEVER, EVER GET TO PICK!!!"). 

At dinner, we now talk about how we stood in our greatness, who filled out buckets and whose buckets we filled during the day.  Bedtime now has lessened to only about 50 "hey mom's" out of C and only about 100 times of A coming out of his room.  It is generally quiet by 8 pm now and I could, if I wanted to, actually exercise (but let's face it, so far, I have enjoyed the quiet by eating cookies and milk!).

We are making progress and it feels so good.  Yesterday, the kids played so wonderfully together that I could energize their greatness throughout the day and I still could get the dishes done, kitchen cleaned, dining room cleaned, living room cleaned, and laundry done! 

~G