What is the Nurtured Heart Approach

Since I have posted about my success with the Nurtured Heart Approach, I have been asked what it is and to give an explanation about it.  Now, I think this is a hard question because, in my opinion, the Nurtured Heart Approach is more than an approach, it is a way to transform your thinking about people and children in your life.  In the training I took, one participant described it as this, "The Nurtured Heart Approach is an approach to 'dusting off' the child to find their true inner wealth by using a positive, strength-based model that helps the discover the greatness they possess."  I described it as an approach of helping others to transform into their most authentic and best self.  In the Nurtured Heart Approach, you take 3 stands on the way you live life (really, it is in how you respond to kids, but I think it applies to life just the same).

The first stand is to energize positivity.  So, when your child is behaving the way you want them to behave, you recognize and appreciate it.  This does not mean you say "Good Job." or even a simple "Thanks for playing quietly."  This means that, for example when A and C are playing together, without anyone yelling or touching or annoying each other, I might interrupt their play for a minute to say, "A and C--I accuse you of greatness right now.  A, you are keeping your hands to yourself and playing respectfully with C.  You are showing her that you are a kind and caring person when you play without annoying her or touching her.  AND, C, you are using your words to tell A what you need rather than yelling at him.  You are also not calling him names when you dislike what he does.  You are showing him you are a cooperative person and are showing him your wisdom.  Thank you both for staying in your greatness!!!"  In other words, I am teaching them how I want them to behave when they are doing what I want.  I am lecturing them, for lack of a better word, for the great attributes that they have, the same attributes that I want to encourage in them and that I would normally have lectured them about when they weren't doing what I wanted.

The second stand, which I find incredibly difficult, is to refuse to energize negativity.  This means when A and C aren't playing nicely together, I would ask them to reset (I explained what I mean by this after the first few days--sometimes it takes me a bit to figure things out.)  When they are asked to reset, they are to stop what they are doing, close their eyes and take a deep breath.  When they do it, I go back to stand 1 and energize them for choosing to reset because really, they could have said, "FU!" and not reset at all but they didn't.  AND, again, I want them to be successful.  I want them to want to be in the game of life.  When I ask them to reset, it is done unceremoniously and without emotion (ideally).

The third stand is to have clear and consistent rules (again, a difficulty with me for my own kids.  With other people's kids, I have no problem with clear and consistency, but well, I don't like when my kids are unhappy.)  Basically, this means if the rule is no hitting and A swats at C's hair, he is asked to reset.  He is not given a warning nor is it ignored because it isn't bad enough.  Again, easier said than done!

Now, you might be thinking this is crazy hippie mumbo jumbo, but it has been used all over the world with huge successes, at home, in clinical practices and in schools.  If you want to learn more about it, you can check out the website for the Nurtured Heart Approach: http://difficultchild.com/ .

Now, for an update.  Wouldn't you know, as soon as I posted all about my success, life, as it tends to do, smacked me in the face and the kids really had a rough next few days.  But again, each day, hell, each moment of each day is a new experience that I can create success for my kids so I can energize them and they can really see their greatness shine.