Update on Nurtured Heart Approach Implementation

I figure I should update how the implementation is going because, as with all new approaches and practices, it takes time, trial and error, ups and downs, and lots of determination.  First, I should say that from now on, I will abbreviate the Nurtured Heart Approach as NHA. 

So, I had previously posted about our successes within the 1st week and now I will share that we are still having successes, but we are having some setbacks too--you know, 2 steps forward, 1 step back type of thing.  Because of that, and a wise NHA trainer (C, from the UK), I decided to implement a credit system, which is basically a way to help me really energize positives and refuse to energize negatives (again, the hardest thing for me, though I am getting better).  With the credit system, the kids earn points for following the rules.  They can also earn extra points for doing chores and for doing something exceptional (like tonight, A asked C if she wanted an apple and brought her one so he got 10 points for being polite to his sister).  These points are tallied up each night and then each kid gets to spend their points on whatever rewards they want.  The rewards are activities we do together.  They are only to be relationship, not things.  So, you'll see that they can earn a trip to get ice cream but not that they can get a toy.  Anyhow, so far so good!  I'm hoping to meet with A's teachers and get this implemented at school too.

Some areas in which I struggle tremendously is situations when I can't simply ignore what is going on and I am powerless to do anything, such as the car.  Oh, how I loathe the car at times.  When A annoys C in the car, she screeches, I want to rip my hair out and of course, A eats up the attention he gets.  I have had about 50% success rate with giving him a time out, in the car.  He hates when I ignore him, though in reality, we don't always carry on a conversation in the car so it isn't any different than normal, except I tell him he is in time out, and he knows that means everyone ignores him

I also struggle when I reset a kid and they don't reset.  It is a bit tricky because I need to keep the kids apart from one another while the other is resetting, which is a challenge to do and not energize the negative behavior.  I am certainly getting better at it, but I find it incredibly frustrating and feel like I've been issued a time out when this happens because it generally means I have to stop what I am doing to tend to the child who isn't accepting the reset.  As a result, I've found that I am relying on warnings too much, which is energizing negativity, exactly the opposite of what I want to do.  It is very hard to change the parenting I've used for so long and to change some of the ingrained behaviors I have from my own upbringing.

I also am struggling with my own frustrations as I realize that I really can't control the kids.  If I tell them to reset, and they choose not to, there isn't anything I can really do.  This was no different prior to the NHA, except then I yelled and got out some of my frustration, all the while probably scaring my kids too, not something I want to do.  BUT, it is hard to come to that realization.  On the one hand, it is freeing because I know that I am helping the kids to come into their own and make their own choices and make those choices good choices.  On the other hand, it is hard because I am having to take a look in the mirror and realizing how much I have wanted to just be able to control what the kids do, the exact opposite of what I teach when I teach about challenging behaviors in kids! 

If I have learned nothing else throughout this process, I have learned that my kids will humble me, they will teach me, and they will make me more grateful and thankful that they are forgiving and compassionate kids. 

Have a great day everyone and, as I tell my kids each day, stay in your greatness today.  Show the world what an amazing, gifted, talented, kind, compassionate person you are.

~G