Bullying and Kids

I've been spending a lot of time at A's school lately and as such, I am witnessing lots of teasing and taunting of other kids.  Now, growing up, it likely would have been referred to by adults as "good-natured ribbing" as I know none of the kids mean to hurt others with their words.  But, seeing it happen so rampantly with such young kids (they are 5 and 6 years old), I am amazed.  I do not remember it being such a common thing.  I don't know what has changed that has led to the amount of teasing observed or if I just don't remember it because I wasn't part of it or just don't remember it or what, but gosh! 

At this point, I am grateful that A doesn't realize when others are teasing him but it does make me have concern for when C starts school.  She will notice it (and hopefully, not participate in it) and it makes me sad to realize this.  I can't tell you how many times I have explained to kids that it is a form of bullying and therefore, not okay.  I really don't think they realize that language can be used to bully, other than calling someone a name because they look at me genuinely confused when I tell them that it is bullying. 

My plea is for parents to talk with your kids about how teasing is bullying.  AND, if you are a parent that teases your kid, please STOP!  You are teaching by example it is okay to bully others with words.  I watched kids behavior completely deteriorate due to verbal bullying today, to the point they literally were throwing fists, in 1st grade!  This is just unacceptable to me and it really makes me so sad to see that it happens this young.  And, there aren't enough adults around when it happens to realize what is going on.

So, my second plea is to talk to your kids about this kind of bullying and how they can respond, without internalizing it or externalizing it with violence.  Please give your kids the tools to combat this kind of behavior very early on so they will be prepared because it starts very early on in school. 

Now, this isn't to say that kids were playing out "mean girl" scenarios, but they were picking on kids for peeing in their clothes, for falling down, for getting in trouble, etc.  All of these incidents would be small in nature, but when combined, could amount to issues as kids get older.

Okay, end of the PSA.  Go hug your kids and teach them, through your own actions, how to love, how to be a good friend, and how to respect each other.

~G

Oh, NO!! Am I going to die?

It was a typical day at our house, A throwing himself upside down, jumping off couches, etc.  Suddenly, I heard a loud "THUNK" and heard crying.  I came in and asked what happened and A, in a state of sheer panic said, "Oh no!  Am I going to die?  Is my head split open?"  Alas, it was not and I assured him he would survive but have a bump.  I suppose this is the danger of telling my kids to be careful because they could crack their head open!

~G

Costumes

It is nearing Halloween, you know, that time of year when we ENCOURAGE our kids to take candy from strangers (which by the way, makes no sense, yet I still take my kids).  Along with Halloween comes the costume fiasco.  Now, trying to figure out what C wanted to be was like herding cats.  You see, she changes her mind every day, sometimes every hour.  First, she wanted to be a pirate.  Then, an astronaut.  Then, a pilot.  Then a princess.  Finally, she settled on a witch.

If you have never gone costume shopping for a little girl, allow me to explain it to you.  First, you have to figure out what the girl will want to be.  Then, you go to the store, thinking it will be relatively easy to find a costume.  I mean, C wanted to be a witch, not a TV character that is hot this year and thus impossible to find.  Sure, there were lots of witch costumes, BUT, while she just cared about being a witch, mommy cared about her NOT being a slutty witch!  That is right, not only do you need to figure out what the girl wants to dress up as, but you have to weed through the costumes to find one that will cover her bum when she bends over.  Oh, and you have to find the one that has tights, not thigh highs.  What child needs thigh highs?  Hell, I'm an adult and I'd avoid those at all costs.  So, you have the one that appears non-slutty, but then you have to try it on.  Last year, she was Strawberry Shortcake.  The problem was the tights were for a 6 year old and the outfit was for a petite 2 year old.  This year, the tights are for a 4 year old, the dress is for a big-boned 5 year old.  But, her bum doesn't show and she has no thigh highs, so we bought it.  We'll just put clothes on underneath.

Onto A.  He wanted to be Cat in the Hat, since that is what he was last year.  BUT, he is big and it no longer fit.  So, he decided to be Super Mario.  Seems easy.  Now, there are 2 versions, regular and deluxe.  Regular has the jumpsuit, hat, and mustache.  Deluxe has that plus gloves and an inflatable belly.  There is a different of $15 in price, so we went with the regular and bought just plain white gloves (A decided he couldn't be Mario without white gloves).  Even though we got the size for 8-10, it is snug on him (he is 6!).

So, we have the costumes and if you come to our house, you will think it is already Halloween.  A comes home from school and immediately wants to put on his costume.  Apparently it is more fun to watch TV or play Wii in costume.

Hope you found your costumes.  J and I need to find ours still, but we'll figure that out this week, hopefully.

~G

Happy Birthday C

Today is C's 4th birthday.  On this day, I remember that I woke up, like any normal day.  Except, my mom had come into town in anticipation of C's being born.  I thought it would be fun to take A to the pumpkin patch and hopped in the shower around 10 am.  I started having some contractions, but they were not at all painful so I figured I'd be fine.  I got in the car with A, my mom, and my then-husband and headed off to the pumpkin patch, not mentioning to anyone about the contractions.  The pumpkin patch was closed, which turned out to be a good thing.  We got home about 30 min after we left and I told everyone I was having contractions.  I called the birth center and, since the contractions were about 2-3 min apart, they suggested I come in.  So, off we went.  I was hungry since it was close to lunchtime so we grabbed fast food on the way.  We got to the birth center and they checked me and said I was 5 cm dilated so I could go downstairs to the birthing suite but that I had some time to spare.  I got in the elevator and went downstairs.  I walked in and met the midwife on duty, while N (my then husband) went to go to the car.  I immediately felt that the baby was coming and the midwife yelled for Nate to come back.  Sure enough, she was born right then.  From the beginning of labor to the end was less than 3 hours and from 5 cm to 10 cm was less than 3 min!  She, like her brother, was born at 38 weeks, 3 days, on a Friday in the noon hour.

Happy birthday my sweet baby girl!

~G

Updates and Halloween

So, as you know, A has struggled at school a lot behaviorally and I have been meeting regularly with the teaching staff to help him.  I have explained to them the Nurtured Heart Approach and they were on board.  BUT, their school is going to be implementing a school wide behavior modification program.  That said, they are still interested in my working with them and mentoring them and my supporting them in using the NHA with A.  AND, for the 1st time since school started, I got a note home today that said A had a great day, with no consequences!  I heard them using the language of the NHA too.  I really hope we are on the path to greatness and to less consequences and time-outs for A.

On an unrelated note, Halloween is coming up, which means that I need to figure out costumes for the kids.  A wants to be what he was last year (he's not one for change) and C changes her mind daily.  Most recently, she said, "Mom, I want to be something REALLY scary!"  The irony is that when he cousin wore a costume with a face mask, she was terrified of him so I doubt she'll actually want anything scary--well that and she is 4 years old! I'll start looking to see what they could be that would work for them, be warm enough, and washable since we do so many holiday events for Halloween. 

I also love that this year, C has really come out of her shell.  She is vocal at school (last year she was very, very quiet) and verbalizes her needs.  She isn't as shy in front of new people as she once was either.  I love seeing her grow and develop and come into her own. 

Funny things the kids have said lately

I was talking to my sister and telling her about a picture from our farm.  C said she wanted to see it and I told her I didn't have it, that it was on Facebook.  She wanted to know what Facebook was and I explained it is a computer program.  So, now, she sits at home and writes stuff in a notebook or does art or whatever else and puts it in a metal tin shaped like a book and says, "Mom, I'm just gonna put this in Facebook."

At dinner tonight, C said, "Mom, when I am a mom, only call me on Fridays."  I asked her why only on Fridays.  She said, "Cuz then you won't call me too much."  A, hearing this, says, "Yeah, mom, you can call me only on Mondays."  So, apparently, when my kids are older, I have reserved times I can call them and that is it!

Have a good fall weekend!

~G

Update on Nurtured Heart Approach Implementation

I figure I should update how the implementation is going because, as with all new approaches and practices, it takes time, trial and error, ups and downs, and lots of determination.  First, I should say that from now on, I will abbreviate the Nurtured Heart Approach as NHA. 

So, I had previously posted about our successes within the 1st week and now I will share that we are still having successes, but we are having some setbacks too--you know, 2 steps forward, 1 step back type of thing.  Because of that, and a wise NHA trainer (C, from the UK), I decided to implement a credit system, which is basically a way to help me really energize positives and refuse to energize negatives (again, the hardest thing for me, though I am getting better).  With the credit system, the kids earn points for following the rules.  They can also earn extra points for doing chores and for doing something exceptional (like tonight, A asked C if she wanted an apple and brought her one so he got 10 points for being polite to his sister).  These points are tallied up each night and then each kid gets to spend their points on whatever rewards they want.  The rewards are activities we do together.  They are only to be relationship, not things.  So, you'll see that they can earn a trip to get ice cream but not that they can get a toy.  Anyhow, so far so good!  I'm hoping to meet with A's teachers and get this implemented at school too.

Some areas in which I struggle tremendously is situations when I can't simply ignore what is going on and I am powerless to do anything, such as the car.  Oh, how I loathe the car at times.  When A annoys C in the car, she screeches, I want to rip my hair out and of course, A eats up the attention he gets.  I have had about 50% success rate with giving him a time out, in the car.  He hates when I ignore him, though in reality, we don't always carry on a conversation in the car so it isn't any different than normal, except I tell him he is in time out, and he knows that means everyone ignores him

I also struggle when I reset a kid and they don't reset.  It is a bit tricky because I need to keep the kids apart from one another while the other is resetting, which is a challenge to do and not energize the negative behavior.  I am certainly getting better at it, but I find it incredibly frustrating and feel like I've been issued a time out when this happens because it generally means I have to stop what I am doing to tend to the child who isn't accepting the reset.  As a result, I've found that I am relying on warnings too much, which is energizing negativity, exactly the opposite of what I want to do.  It is very hard to change the parenting I've used for so long and to change some of the ingrained behaviors I have from my own upbringing.

I also am struggling with my own frustrations as I realize that I really can't control the kids.  If I tell them to reset, and they choose not to, there isn't anything I can really do.  This was no different prior to the NHA, except then I yelled and got out some of my frustration, all the while probably scaring my kids too, not something I want to do.  BUT, it is hard to come to that realization.  On the one hand, it is freeing because I know that I am helping the kids to come into their own and make their own choices and make those choices good choices.  On the other hand, it is hard because I am having to take a look in the mirror and realizing how much I have wanted to just be able to control what the kids do, the exact opposite of what I teach when I teach about challenging behaviors in kids! 

If I have learned nothing else throughout this process, I have learned that my kids will humble me, they will teach me, and they will make me more grateful and thankful that they are forgiving and compassionate kids. 

Have a great day everyone and, as I tell my kids each day, stay in your greatness today.  Show the world what an amazing, gifted, talented, kind, compassionate person you are.

~G